Mommy Days

I have been every type of momma. I've been a stay-at-home momma of one then 2 boys. I've worked part time jobs. I've gone back to school part time then full time. And now I'm a full-time working momma. I work four ten-hour shifts a week. I'm on summer break from classes. I'm renting a home in Birdsboro. I spent my first night there last night and tonight my boys will spend their first night there. I'm really excited to decorate it and make it nice for them. I want them to think of it as a sleep-over at first. I'm trying to ease them into staying there sometimes. Nathaniel has visited with me a few times but Kevin was in school during those visits. The guy renting it to me and the guy who set up my "wiffy" both said they were married to the woman who used to live there. I found that to be rather amusing. I'm in a new phase of life. I've tackled challenges before and I can do it again. I'm understanding more of what I need and want fo

Since I became a mother, I have started coming to terms little by little with my relationship with my own mother. I cut her out of my life almost 2.5 years ago. It felt like a dramatic decision that maybe "went too far," at the time. Originally, it was actually her idea. She stormed out of my son's first birthday party telling me she'd never contact me again. That lasted a few weeks then the texting started. I decided to hold her to her word and blocked her cell phone number. She sends mail constantly, especially lately, I have received six cards from her in the month of February alone. She sends gifts to my sons, and writes in the card about being sick in bed and unable to work. I know its for me but she addressed them to my son. Who talks like that to their 3 year old grandson? Anyway, I have since decided that cutting her off was a long time coming. I am healing from a childhood full of anger, yelling, hitting and walking on proverbial eggshells. I lived with her

The most helpful advice I was given recently is when I was in labor with my son, Nathaniel. At one point under extreme pressure and stress, I said out loud, "I can't do this!!!" I was delirious with exhaustion and in a tremendous amount of pain. I might have even screamed it. I heard a voice say to me, "You are doing this!!" I can't remember who said it but it has really stuck with me! It could have been my nurse, my doula or my husband, I'm really not sure! It was effective and got me through my doubts. Whenever I find myself saying I can't do something lately, I remind myself I AM DOING IT!! It really gets me through my self doubts. It gives me strength for the day to day. My birth experience has empowered me to know I can do anything I set my mind to. Its an amazing feeling.

I had some time to think on the drive home from an awesome play date last week. I have come to the realization that I grew up afraid of my mother's temper. I thought this was normal. I thought that having to walk on eggshells for a parental figure was to be expected. I always knew that I could incite her anger at the drop of a hat. She was a hitter when she was really mad. I could see the anger on her face and I was afraid of her. I can still picture her face full of hate and anger and feel that ball of fear form in my stomach. She even hit me in my 20s. I wish I could say that changed when we were both adults. The only thing that changed is that she could no longer actively control me. She didn't want me to drive until I started college so that she could control my comings and goings. I was nervous to drive and she encouraged that fear. When she let me learn to drive she would ride with me. She would make me pull over if there were ANY cars at all behind me. And there always w

It used to be so difficult to leave my son, Kevin, behind at home. Whenever I did he would cry and call out for me. It started the few times I tried to go out for a "mom's night out." The nights out were quite frankly a disaster anyway. I thought about Kevin the whole night, and was afraid to drink alcohol due to the fact that I was driving. That didn't sit well with people who do drink and they thought that I was judging them for drinking. Sigh. It got worse for Kevin and I when I went back to work. It broke my heart to hear him call out, "MOMMA," every time I left the house. And it continued while I worked at Giant and the bank. It was super stressful for both of us. I wished he would accept that I had to leave for a little while but then I'd be back.  I would try and get him to sleep before I had to go to work or before I went anywhere really. I know it wasn't the best idea but it helped.  He wasn't upset for the most part when he woke up and

When I decided to breastfeed, it was not to make a statement or to make anyone else feel bad. I didn't know how long I would breastfeed or even if I could be successful with it. It was simply what I felt in my heart was the right decision for my family. We hit quite a few bumps in the road when we began our breastfeeding journey. My son was six weeks premature, a mere three pounds and had a 15 day stint in the NICU. While in the NICU, he was on a set schedule that included pacifiers, bottles of pumped breast milk and scheduled touch times every three hours. He was also away from me for over 24 hours while I healed from surgery and was on magnesium sulfate for my extremely high blood pressure. He didn't eat for his first 48 hours of life and when they did feed him it was through an NG tube. He didn't digest it at first so we had to wait another day. On his fourth day of life he finally started drinking 3cc's of colostrum every three hours. They discharged Kevin from th