Mommy Days

After another exhausting day at home with two little ones, I decompressed a bit with a bath and some chocolate, though not in that order. I hosted a play date in my home today that went pretty well and everyone had a good time. My threenanger is into biting right now and we are trying to work through it as best we can. Luckily, everyone has been very understanding with his rough behavior. It definitely makes it easier to go through incidences like this while having a support system. I owe all of my momma friends a big thank you. Adjusting to two children has not been easy or pretty but I know that with each day it is getting a little better. I may not always feel it, but this too shall pass.

I have been every type of momma. I've been a stay-at-home momma of one then 2 boys. I've worked part time jobs. I've gone back to school part time then full time. And now I'm a full-time working momma. I work four ten-hour shifts a week. I'm on summer break from classes. I'm renting a home in Birdsboro. I spent my first night there last night and tonight my boys will spend their first night there. I'm really excited to decorate it and make it nice for them. I want them to think of it as a sleep-over at first. I'm trying to ease them into staying there sometimes. Nathaniel has visited with me a few times but Kevin was in school during those visits. The guy renting it to me and the guy who set up my "wiffy" both said they were married to the woman who used to live there. I found that to be rather amusing. I'm in a new phase of life. I've tackled challenges before and I can do it again. I'm understanding more of what I need and want fo...

Since I became a mother, I have started coming to terms little by little with my relationship with my own mother. I cut her out of my life almost 2.5 years ago. It felt like a dramatic decision that maybe "went too far," at the time. Originally, it was actually her idea. She stormed out of my son's first birthday party telling me she'd never contact me again. That lasted a few weeks then the texting started. I decided to hold her to her word and blocked her cell phone number. She sends mail constantly, especially lately, I have received six cards from her in the month of February alone. She sends gifts to my sons, and writes in the card about being sick in bed and unable to work. I know its for me but she addressed them to my son. Who talks like that to their 3 year old grandson? Anyway, I have since decided that cutting her off was a long time coming. I am healing from a childhood full of anger, yelling, hitting and walking on proverbial eggshells. I lived with her...

The most helpful advice I was given recently is when I was in labor with my son, Nathaniel. At one point under extreme pressure and stress, I said out loud, "I can't do this!!!" I was delirious with exhaustion and in a tremendous amount of pain. I might have even screamed it. I heard a voice say to me, "You are doing this!!" I can't remember who said it but it has really stuck with me! It could have been my nurse, my doula or my husband, I'm really not sure! It was effective and got me through my doubts. Whenever I find myself saying I can't do something lately, I remind myself I AM DOING IT!! It really gets me through my self doubts. It gives me strength for the day to day. My birth experience has empowered me to know I can do anything I set my mind to. Its an amazing feeling.

I had some time to think on the drive home from an awesome play date last week. I have come to the realization that I grew up afraid of my mother's temper. I thought this was normal. I thought that having to walk on eggshells for a parental figure was to be expected. I always knew that I could incite her anger at the drop of a hat. She was a hitter when she was really mad. I could see the anger on her face and I was afraid of her. I can still picture her face full of hate and anger and feel that ball of fear form in my stomach. She even hit me in my 20s. I wish I could say that changed when we were both adults. The only thing that changed is that she could no longer actively control me. She didn't want me to drive until I started college so that she could control my comings and goings. I was nervous to drive and she encouraged that fear. When she let me learn to drive she would ride with me. She would make me pull over if there were ANY cars at all behind me. And there always w...

It used to be so difficult to leave my son, Kevin, behind at home. Whenever I did he would cry and call out for me. It started the few times I tried to go out for a "mom's night out." The nights out were quite frankly a disaster anyway. I thought about Kevin the whole night, and was afraid to drink alcohol due to the fact that I was driving. That didn't sit well with people who do drink and they thought that I was judging them for drinking. Sigh. It got worse for Kevin and I when I went back to work. It broke my heart to hear him call out, "MOMMA," every time I left the house. And it continued while I worked at Giant and the bank. It was super stressful for both of us. I wished he would accept that I had to leave for a little while but then I'd be back.  I would try and get him to sleep before I had to go to work or before I went anywhere really. I know it wasn't the best idea but it helped.  He wasn't upset for the most part when he woke up and ...

When I decided to breastfeed, it was not to make a statement or to make anyone else feel bad. I didn't know how long I would breastfeed or even if I could be successful with it. It was simply what I felt in my heart was the right decision for my family. We hit quite a few bumps in the road when we began our breastfeeding journey. My son was six weeks premature, a mere three pounds and had a 15 day stint in the NICU. While in the NICU, he was on a set schedule that included pacifiers, bottles of pumped breast milk and scheduled touch times every three hours. He was also away from me for over 24 hours while I healed from surgery and was on magnesium sulfate for my extremely high blood pressure. He didn't eat for his first 48 hours of life and when they did feed him it was through an NG tube. He didn't digest it at first so we had to wait another day. On his fourth day of life he finally started drinking 3cc's of colostrum every three hours. They discharged Kevin from th...

Its been a while since I wrote a blog post and decided to take advantage of Eli and Kevy being out and Nathaniel asleep to give writing a go! Lately I have been thinking about how I felt about my body after I had my first son, Kevin. I felt like my body had let me down in many ways. I developed pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks, and I was on hospital bed rest for two weeks after that. I was bordering on major organ failure according to the blood tests I had done every 12 hours. So my first son was "evicted" at 34 weeks at 3 pounds, 10.5 ounces. He was so not ready to be born but my placenta couldn't last another day for him. He was in the fourth percentile for growth. I felt like I let him down and my body failed both of us. I did not look like myself at all as I had gained a lot of weight and was majorly swollen all over. This time around I gained less weight and carried my pregnancy to term. My blood pressure was very healthy except when I was in labor. I attributed my higher n...

Its so strange that sharing your own experiences regarding giving birth or feeding your own baby manage to create friction among other moms. A blog is a place to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Its about your life essentially. Reading someone's blog is optional. If reading about breast feeding or co-sleeping is not your thing then don't read my blog! Just because one mom breastfeeds and shares that with others does not mean she will vilify a formula feeding mom. Every mom has her own parenting style, her own view point and there's room for all of us. I love talking with other mothers because they tell me things I never thought of before and help me see things differently. As with my vegetarianism, I don't preach to other moms and I would appreciate the same courtesy from them. Its a tough job and I think in order to be the best mothers we can be we need to stick together.

I attended my first La Leche Meeting last Tuesday! And it was seriously the best two hours of my life. I met some amazing women there. It was such an incredible feeling to nurse Kevin among other nursing mothers. I wish they met more often than once a month but I'm so glad I started going. I felt "home" there. I  felt like I was among women who understood me. I have received negative reactions to nursing my son and it breaks my heart. I don't need approval from people but I would like the guilt trips and the TELLING me what to do to stop please! Our society is so strange. We reject this perfect food for our babies, and we tell women to cover up while nursing in public. Yet, we have no issues with bikinis and plunging necklines. Sigh.

At 6pm Friday night I was moved from my fishbowl recovery room to the antepartum room. I was also finally taken off the the magnesium sulfate, AKA Liquid Death. I felt exhausted, hungry, thirsty, insanely sore and most of all I missed my little boy. The passed 24 hours were hell on earth! I didn't sleep more than 5 minutes at a time and I felt insanely itchy due to all of the medications they had me on. Sadly, my little boy was no longer inside me but not in my arms either. All I had was his picture to hold. It was a surreal feeling to say the least. I finally drank a ton of water and ate General Tso's Tofu and felt a little better. Eli said he barely recognized me I was so bloated from the medicine. I looked in the mirror and what I saw was scary, a red bloated monster with her hair straight in the air. During my recovery, I was trying desperately to get my milk to come in. A lactation consultant had visited my room that morning and gave me a hospital grade breast pump. Sinc...

We took a tour of the NICU that night. I was pushed around in a wheelchair. I wondered to myself how long my son would need to stay here. (spoiler alert, he was only in for 2 weeks!) I spent the next ten days on hospital bed rest. My friends Dorri and Chrissi came to visit. Dorri even gave me a pedicure. I could barely see my feet at this point but people reassured me they were beautiful! Doctors and nurses were constantly in and out of my room. I had a blood pressure/temp check every four hours, blood work taken every other day and NST with my little one twice a day. I was originally strapped to a BP monitor and NST machine 24/7. I also had blood work taken every 12 hours. So this was actually an improvement! They had so much trouble getting sufficient veins from that they started taking blood out of my hands. And they always woke me up between 5-6am to get blood from me! Eventually my son's NST sessions weren't quite right so they did a Biophysical Profile. They could see h...

I haven't had much of a chance to write since my son was born. I really wanted to blog my mommy adventures so there's no time like the present! I thought I would take the opportunity to write since my son is down for a nap or early bed time. Depends on what he decides :-) On November 4, 2010 I had my 32 week check up at my OB's office. It was supposed to be a typical appointment. It was anything but after they told me my urine had protein in it and my blood pressure was higher than they'd like to see. I was ordered to go to triage and get monitored. My blood pressure wouldn't go down but they still sent me home. I was sent home with orders for me to collect my urine in a jug for 24 hours! YAY, what fun! I should have known this was a HUGE red flag for things to come! I brought the jug in that Saturday and had blood work done. I attended my friend Kristy's baby shower. On the way home from the shower they told me to pack a bag and go directly to the hospital. I...

My son turns eight months on Monday. In a way they have flown by and in a way they have gone by slowly. He started off three pounds and is now 16 pounds. I just started him on a tiny amount of solids. Bananas, avocados and apple sauce. He stills prefers breast milk, which makes his parents very happy! I'm hoping to update more often but the days have a way of getting away from me! I just joined a local moms group and hope to make some local friends! Being a stay at home mother, an hour away from friends and family can make things a bit lonely! Thanks for reading!

I thought that finally being in my third trimester would bring a sense of calm. I kept thinking to myself, "Just make it to October and you will be able to relax about your pregnancy." I realized after I had yet another nightmare featuring a premature birth last night, I probably won't be able to relax until my little boy comes out. And of course once that happens I will have a whole new list of concerns! The internet is a mixed bag for me. There's a ton of helpful information out there and I love the women I meet online, fellow mommies who have experienced miscarriage themselves. Some of their fears and concerns have a way of transferring to myself, which doesn't help when I'm already stressing. Miscarriage is a truly unique experience, something you cannot truly comprehend until it happens to you. It affects the way you feel in any subsequent pregnancy. It truly robs you of the innocence of pregnancy. I must admit before I experienced one myself, I thought...

I'm 24 weeks pregnant currently. It just hit me the other day, in a little over three months I will be holding my little boy. At random times I get so overwhelmed with happiness I almost cry. Its a strange feeling and unlike anything I have ever felt before in my life. I smile every time I feel a little kick from him. He's most active late at night or after I eat something sugary. I had my hand on my belly and felt him kick from the outside for the first time earlier this week. At first it felt like a ball rolling around in my belly. He feels stronger and more "solid" every day. Eli sings, talks and kisses my belly every day. My father-in-law, Richard talked to my belly for the first time today. It was SO cute! This baby is loved by so many already. I saw my brother on Sunday, and I've never seen him smile so much or so genuinely! He's so happy to have a nephew! He put his hands on my belly and just looked so elated! It was nice seeing my dad and brother whe...

Hello All! I'm 23 weeks pregnant (as of yesterday,) and this heat is killing me! I am very much looking forward to fall. It's my favorite time of year! I love decorating for fall! Fall makes me think of leaves changing colors, pumpkins, crisp evenings and snugging with my Eli. In one week my little one could survive outside the womb (although with a lot of medical assistance.) I'm hoping he stays inside at least 14 more weeks. Eli has been working hard on the nursery. Chrissi and Liam are coming up to help paint the nursery this weekend. I am so excited to see them! I've been taking belly pictures each week! They are so much fun! My major symptoms have included nasal congestion, headaches and insomnia. Not a fun mix! But I know my little guy is totally worth it! I cannot wait to meet him. I have so many dreams about him and I wake up disappointed he's not here yet. I can't wait to hold him in my arms. Well that's enough "rambling" for now! :)