The anniversary of my first loss
I thought that finally being in my third trimester would bring a sense of calm. I kept thinking to myself, "Just make it to October and you will be able to relax about your pregnancy." I realized after I had yet another nightmare featuring a premature birth last night, I probably won't be able to relax until my little boy comes out. And of course once that happens I will have a whole new list of concerns!
The internet is a mixed bag for me. There's a ton of helpful information out there and I love the women I meet online, fellow mommies who have experienced miscarriage themselves. Some of their fears and concerns have a way of transferring to myself, which doesn't help when I'm already stressing. Miscarriage is a truly unique experience, something you cannot truly comprehend until it happens to you. It affects the way you feel in any subsequent pregnancy. It truly robs you of the innocence of pregnancy. I must admit before I experienced one myself, I thought it wasn't that bad and you could always just try again once you recovered. At least you knew you were capable of getting pregnant. Then I miscarried last October and my world shattered. It was labor and delivery without the pay off of a baby at the end. My first time out and my body let me down. I thought to myself that teenagers and drug addicts get pregnant and give birth all the time. Yet, I was unable to bring a pregnancy to term.
I waited one cycle and got pregnant again last November/December. This pregnancy wasn't viable from the start and ended as a chemical pregnancy. The embryo never correctly implanted so it was just a really long menstrual cycle. I was devestated as a two time loser. It felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant at the same time. I saw pregnant women every day at the bank. TV shows and movies always seemed to feature a pregnancy story line. They all served as cruel reminders of what I didn't have. I constantly had nightmares were I "killed" my baby. I had hated going to sleep at night for fear of having another pregnancy dream.
In March I had my hormone levels checked out, and it was discovered my progestrone level was too low to support a healthy, viable pregnancy. They suggested I try the fertility drug known as Clomid. I was again devestated, and felt that I was somehow "broken" since I couldn't maintain a pregnancy on my own at 29 years of age. I started taking Clomid on March 28, Palm Sunday. I remember because I had dinner with my father's side of the family that day. I got pregnant about a week later. I found out on April 23rd when I got my blood test results. Before I got my blood test results, I thought my OB might even tell me I wasn't really pregnant, that it was all in my head. I ws pregnant and my hormone levels were rising as they should be. I was still hesitant to tell anyone at all. I told my best friend and sister, Chrissi. She was so excited and gave me the best reaction. It was exactly what I needed. I needed her to be happy because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate yet. I'd been pregnant before and kept assuming it would all come to an end.
On May 11, two days after mother's day, Eli and I went for an early ultrasound. I remember thinking before hand, this is it, we will know if the pregnancy is viable now. After a few minutes of the tech staring at the ultrasound screen, she announced, "We have a heart beat!" We saw our little blob with a blinking heartbeat. I cried happy tears. It was amazing. I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate or believe in it. I said to Eli, "We might be parents." And he said to me, "We ARE parents!" I was seven weeks along at this point. We even got our first pictures of baby Bank that day! My symptoms started fading and I freaked out. So I had a repeat ultrasound on May 21st. I was 8.5 weeks along by this point. Baby Bank went from a blob to a dancing Gummi Bear! His little arms were waving around and his heart rate increased from 138 to 175. It was amazing how much he had changed in just ten days. We even got to listen to his heart beat that day! Incredible!
Once the first trimester ended, I stopped worrying about miscarriage and started worrying about pre-term labor. I still constantly worry about him being born too early, which is what caused my nightmare from last night. I know in the worst case scenario, if he was born in the next few weeks, he would have a fighting chance. The lungs are the last thing to mature but they have ways of maturing them in utero. However, after all I have been through to get here with my baby boy, I don't want my son to just have a "fighting chance," I want him to be born able to breathe on his own, and live without the help of any machines. He deserves a "normal" birth. I just hope that my body can "deliver" so to speak!
That felt good to get out! :) But I think that my next entry will discuss my birth plan of using both a doula and hypnobirthing. I may be doing a hospital birth but I want to be as "crunchy" a mom as I can be! I want a natural, unmedicated birth without interventions and to breastfeed shortly following delivery. I have a doula who is going to be with me, and she agrees with me on all of those aspects and I love her for it! Stay tuned...
The internet is a mixed bag for me. There's a ton of helpful information out there and I love the women I meet online, fellow mommies who have experienced miscarriage themselves. Some of their fears and concerns have a way of transferring to myself, which doesn't help when I'm already stressing. Miscarriage is a truly unique experience, something you cannot truly comprehend until it happens to you. It affects the way you feel in any subsequent pregnancy. It truly robs you of the innocence of pregnancy. I must admit before I experienced one myself, I thought it wasn't that bad and you could always just try again once you recovered. At least you knew you were capable of getting pregnant. Then I miscarried last October and my world shattered. It was labor and delivery without the pay off of a baby at the end. My first time out and my body let me down. I thought to myself that teenagers and drug addicts get pregnant and give birth all the time. Yet, I was unable to bring a pregnancy to term.
I waited one cycle and got pregnant again last November/December. This pregnancy wasn't viable from the start and ended as a chemical pregnancy. The embryo never correctly implanted so it was just a really long menstrual cycle. I was devestated as a two time loser. It felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant at the same time. I saw pregnant women every day at the bank. TV shows and movies always seemed to feature a pregnancy story line. They all served as cruel reminders of what I didn't have. I constantly had nightmares were I "killed" my baby. I had hated going to sleep at night for fear of having another pregnancy dream.
In March I had my hormone levels checked out, and it was discovered my progestrone level was too low to support a healthy, viable pregnancy. They suggested I try the fertility drug known as Clomid. I was again devestated, and felt that I was somehow "broken" since I couldn't maintain a pregnancy on my own at 29 years of age. I started taking Clomid on March 28, Palm Sunday. I remember because I had dinner with my father's side of the family that day. I got pregnant about a week later. I found out on April 23rd when I got my blood test results. Before I got my blood test results, I thought my OB might even tell me I wasn't really pregnant, that it was all in my head. I ws pregnant and my hormone levels were rising as they should be. I was still hesitant to tell anyone at all. I told my best friend and sister, Chrissi. She was so excited and gave me the best reaction. It was exactly what I needed. I needed her to be happy because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate yet. I'd been pregnant before and kept assuming it would all come to an end.
On May 11, two days after mother's day, Eli and I went for an early ultrasound. I remember thinking before hand, this is it, we will know if the pregnancy is viable now. After a few minutes of the tech staring at the ultrasound screen, she announced, "We have a heart beat!" We saw our little blob with a blinking heartbeat. I cried happy tears. It was amazing. I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate or believe in it. I said to Eli, "We might be parents." And he said to me, "We ARE parents!" I was seven weeks along at this point. We even got our first pictures of baby Bank that day! My symptoms started fading and I freaked out. So I had a repeat ultrasound on May 21st. I was 8.5 weeks along by this point. Baby Bank went from a blob to a dancing Gummi Bear! His little arms were waving around and his heart rate increased from 138 to 175. It was amazing how much he had changed in just ten days. We even got to listen to his heart beat that day! Incredible!
Once the first trimester ended, I stopped worrying about miscarriage and started worrying about pre-term labor. I still constantly worry about him being born too early, which is what caused my nightmare from last night. I know in the worst case scenario, if he was born in the next few weeks, he would have a fighting chance. The lungs are the last thing to mature but they have ways of maturing them in utero. However, after all I have been through to get here with my baby boy, I don't want my son to just have a "fighting chance," I want him to be born able to breathe on his own, and live without the help of any machines. He deserves a "normal" birth. I just hope that my body can "deliver" so to speak!
That felt good to get out! :) But I think that my next entry will discuss my birth plan of using both a doula and hypnobirthing. I may be doing a hospital birth but I want to be as "crunchy" a mom as I can be! I want a natural, unmedicated birth without interventions and to breastfeed shortly following delivery. I have a doula who is going to be with me, and she agrees with me on all of those aspects and I love her for it! Stay tuned...
I'm so happy that everything is going well for you. You have had a great deal to cope with and it's wonderful to read that things look so positive now. I look forward to future posts with good news.
ReplyDeleteI really think it's wonderful and brave that you are sharing this experience. Many women can benefit from reading this, and thank you for letting me be such a close part of it all. I do enjoy giving good reactions. ;-) And I really hope this posts this time!!
ReplyDelete