Mommy Days

Since I became a mother, I have started coming to terms little by little with my relationship with my own mother. I cut her out of my life almost 2.5 years ago. It felt like a dramatic decision that maybe "went too far," at the time. Originally, it was actually her idea. She stormed out of my son's first birthday party telling me she'd never contact me again. That lasted a few weeks then the texting started. I decided to hold her to her word and blocked her cell phone number. She sends mail constantly, especially lately, I have received six cards from her in the month of February alone. She sends gifts to my sons, and writes in the card about being sick in bed and unable to work. I know its for me but she addressed them to my son. Who talks like that to their 3 year old grandson? Anyway, I have since decided that cutting her off was a long time coming. I am healing from a childhood full of anger, yelling, hitting and walking on proverbial eggshells. I lived with her

The most helpful advice I was given recently is when I was in labor with my son, Nathaniel. At one point under extreme pressure and stress, I said out loud, "I can't do this!!!" I was delirious with exhaustion and in a tremendous amount of pain. I might have even screamed it. I heard a voice say to me, "You are doing this!!" I can't remember who said it but it has really stuck with me! It could have been my nurse, my doula or my husband, I'm really not sure! It was effective and got me through my doubts. Whenever I find myself saying I can't do something lately, I remind myself I AM DOING IT!! It really gets me through my self doubts. It gives me strength for the day to day. My birth experience has empowered me to know I can do anything I set my mind to. Its an amazing feeling.

I had some time to think on the drive home from an awesome play date last week. I have come to the realization that I grew up afraid of my mother's temper. I thought this was normal. I thought that having to walk on eggshells for a parental figure was to be expected. I always knew that I could incite her anger at the drop of a hat. She was a hitter when she was really mad. I could see the anger on her face and I was afraid of her. I can still picture her face full of hate and anger and feel that ball of fear form in my stomach. She even hit me in my 20s. I wish I could say that changed when we were both adults. The only thing that changed is that she could no longer actively control me. She didn't want me to drive until I started college so that she could control my comings and goings. I was nervous to drive and she encouraged that fear. When she let me learn to drive she would ride with me. She would make me pull over if there were ANY cars at all behind me. And there always w