I am the daughter of a Narcissistic mother

Since I became a mother, I have started coming to terms little by little with my relationship with my own mother. I cut her out of my life almost 2.5 years ago. It felt like a dramatic decision that maybe "went too far," at the time. Originally, it was actually her idea. She stormed out of my son's first birthday party telling me she'd never contact me again. That lasted a few weeks then the texting started. I decided to hold her to her word and blocked her cell phone number. She sends mail constantly, especially lately, I have received six cards from her in the month of February alone. She sends gifts to my sons, and writes in the card about being sick in bed and unable to work. I know its for me but she addressed them to my son. Who talks like that to their 3 year old grandson? Anyway, I have since decided that cutting her off was a long time coming. I am healing from a childhood full of anger, yelling, hitting and walking on proverbial eggshells.

I lived with her for 25 years. Every year was worse than the one previous. I never knew what would trigger her anger. I realized that her anger towards me has impacted my other relationships. I am quick to anger myself. I always expect people to judge me or I think that they are mad at me. I have a very negative inner voice. I am starting to realize where that came from. My mother hated aspects of my identity so I tried to change them. She was upset I didn't look more like her. My hair and eyes were "too dark," compared to hers. I was too "curvy" compared to her. She did not want me to be happy to be who I am, she always wanted to change me. She kept me in line with her temper and criticisms. Through all of this, I am attempting to heal, but each letter she sends is like ripping the wound open again. It can never fully heal. I want to be a better mother for my sons. I think that includes acknowledging where my mom failed and moving on from there. I am enjoying the fact that I can write about this in order to help work through my issues.

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 25, 2014 at 12:36 PM

    Writing definitely helps! And consider not opening the cards and letters. Consider filing them in a box somewhere to be opened after you've had some time heal. <3

    ReplyDelete

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